Absence and reasons

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long time, but somehow time just never seems to be on my side. Torucon is about two weeks away, so I’m working with the rest of the crew more or less around the clock to get everything in place in time for the convention.
I also just came back from Tokyo three weeks ago, which of course was amazing! We had such little time, but still made it to several really cool and nerdy locations – not least a couple of locations from SNOW as well, which was super exciting, so I’m gonna make a separate post about that one of these days (I’ve been meaning to basically since we got back home).

But now for the main reason for this post: I’ve been more or less absent for an entire year at this point.
I haven’t written anything, on this blog, on tumblr or anything else for that matter in this past year, and it’s mostly due to two factors: I’ve been busy, but more importantly, I’ve been sick.

I’ve tried to be open about my struggles, and illness, so I want to continue in that tradition, but I haven’t had the time or strength to talk about it until now.
This past year has been incredibly difficult, with a lot of stuff happening in my personal life, not only to me, but to people close to me as well. I’ve also been a full-time student this year, which really wasn’t the best of choices as my health was already deteriorating before the school year had even started.
I’m not looking to go into detail, partially because it’s private, and partially because there’s just been so much happening, and I don’t even know where to start. I guess it’ll suffice to say that I’ve been, and to a certain degree, still am sicker than I’ve been for many years.

The thing about mental illnesses is that you get used to them, especially if you’ve been ill since you were born, which is basically what my life has been like. I don’t define myself as my illness, nor do I see the illness as part of me, but it has obviously shaped me and my life to some extent. When you’ve never been completely healthy, you don’t know what it is like to feel healthy either. So in a way, you get used to it, and you live with it. But sometimes you feel better. For the past few years I’ve been a pretty functional human being. I’ve been able to do a lot of things that were impossible before, and I’ve learned a lot, I’ve grown, gained skills and confidence. However, I tend to forget that I’m not entirely well, even when I do know my limitations and try to work with myself as best I can – but sometimes you relapse. This year has just been one long relapse, and for the most part, in addition to being dreadfully busy and stressed, I’ve been depressed, my anxieties have flared up, and I also received a “new” diagnosis (meaning that I’ve apparently had it for a while, but nobody bothered to tell me). It’s not “serious”, but my condition has been really bad. Add to this a lot of personal stress, and you get the reason for my absence. It’s very difficult when you are already feeling bad, and then you get the stress of uncertainty put on your shoulders as well. I don’t know what I’ll be doing after August, and that’s a huge stress factor as well. I want to write, but I don’t have any energy for it, or the time to do it.
I’m hoping that this fall will be calmer and that I’ll find my way back to my writing then, and also to posting regularly again maybe.
But for now, I need to listen to my body and take care of myself, because I haven’t really been doing that for this past year.

To anyone reading this who are struggling; Please know that it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to break down, and it’s okay to be sick. You are not a failure, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself.

Also, I had my (long overdue) birthday celebration yesterday, and the fact that I have people in my life that makes me smile like this, makes me think that somehow, I’ll be alright. ♡

Smairuuu

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