Freedom in a flurry of (bad) words

This year, I was convinced November would be a dreary one – sunk into the despairing pits of exam preparations as I was.
If you know me for the habitual creature I am, you’ll know that I write in November. Most likely, I write more in November than I do the rest of the year, simply because November is the kick in the ass I need to actually clear my schedule and stop down-prioritizing my writing.
With November, comes NaNoWriMo – and before that, comes the budding excitement, the tingling in my fingertips and distress at the back of my head as the skeleton of a plot begins to assemble. Since signing up to write the first 50k of SNOW in 2007, the dread I felt then has gradually made way for familiarity, and reverence. NaNoWrimo is one of my favorite seasons, though the change has been unnoticeable.
Why?
Because every year in October, the excitement and impatience I felt during September has waned into a dread of: “Oh God why, I don’t have the time. I don’t have a plot. HOW DO I?!”
And yet, I’ve always pulled through. This is my sixth NaNo, and it’s different.

The pressure was high with this one – still is.
First and foremost, I am one of these crazy people who writes the 50k in about 1/3 of the time. My first year, the 50 oo0 words were done on Day 19. Somehow, the standard for me as lowered itself to day 9-10. I think Day 9 is the lowest I’ve gone, and this year’s goal was a maddening 8 days of writing to have the challenge conquered by Day 8. Due to procrastination, distraction and this thing called “life”, this obviously didn’t happen. However, we’re at Day 9. I’ve got 42k, and I’m decided on finishing today.
– of course, I’m slightly put off by the fact that I’ve slept for 9(!) hours tonight, and wasted most of my day, postponing everything. I’m also going off to attend the yearly demonstration against the fur industry around five, because I can’t afford to miss it. However, I will finish.
And then one can only hope I don’t do that stupid thing I always do where I hit the goal and just stop, even though I have a whole plot to finish.
SNOW and Jaded were both NaNovels, and they were written “mostly during November” and then “all over the place”.
With SNOW, it was started during NaNo 2007, and then finished in December/January 2009. Jaded turned me into a rebel: it was written over the course of NaNo 2009 and 2010, and then finished up after being more or less deserted, in 2012.

This novel, is probably never going to see the light of day. Sorry to disappoint anyone who’s been hoping while reading my status updates.
I’ve realized that my suspicions about “The Silent” were correct: this isn’t a novel. It’s a short story. Or…perhaps a novella. I don’t know yet. I love these characters, the setting and the plot itself, but after 42 000 words of emptiness, I realize that I’m just trying to fill the void until we get to the actual plot.
I’m sure that you will get to know these characters, and read this story at one point, but not in it’s current state. It’s going to need alot of work before I dare to show it off. But first, I want to finish this atrociousness. I want to map out all possibilities, so that I can freely pick and choose when I decide to work on it properly.
Please wait for that day.

The other thing I’ve been hinting at (oh btw, you guys suck at taking hints. Or, I’m just bad at giving them) has nothing to do with this story; that’s a completely different matter.

Anyway.
This year, I wasn’t going to do this. I thought that it wouldn’t be possible, as I am pining over far too many text books and curriculum at the moment for it to be advisable. However, it turned out to go against my sanity to not participate this year. I decided I wanted to do it – to get these (badly written) words out, and then go back to studying without the stress of not having written for ages hanging over me.
I presumed it would be more insane to try to do this when I’m far more busy this November than I have been for years – I’ve got all kinds of stuff going on, studying for no less than 11 exams, plowing through text books, editing an old project, corresponding with my editor, I need to write essays, and I work. I didn’t think it would be possible to squeeze in NaNo this year, certainly not with the aforementioned pressure of finishing earlier than ever before…
And yet..
This year’s NaNo is definitely weird. It’s different.
I thought it would be way worse, considering all the factors above.
But the moment the clock on my display hit 00:00 on the evening of October 31st, I put away my social anthropology notes, and started writing. It came with a surge of absolute freedom.
These past 8 days have been very strange – the words are just streaming out, even though I’ve been a bit lazy in the last two days, but the story is shaping up. Last night a plot twist revealed the key to how the pieces would fit together. But it’s weird.
Usually, when I write during November, there’s a very strict routine. Perhaps because I’ve always written characters that have had the chance to develop and become near and dear to me, they’ve always had playlists.
Every year I’ve withhold what I was told by WriMoRadio in 2007; that the best food to keep up your energy level while chasing the word count are tubed potato chips, donuts and buckets of caffeine, and so, I’ve always stocked up the house, and probably wasted time eating when I should’ve been writing.
I’ve pulled over-caffeinated all-nighters, and fallen asleep at the keyboard despite the loud music blaring into the apartment.
And all of this has been NaNo in my mind. This is what I want.
I realized, I could have finished much earlier, had I just stayed focused and written on – but why would I? I know that once I hit the 50k, I no longer have the satisfaction of seeing that green progress bar move. When that little glass vial is filled with green serum (this is how I see the progress bar, leave me alone), I no longer feel that competitive need to carry on, and so, I lose the interest. It’s over. I’ve got nothing to chase, and so there is no point in staying focused.
Regardless, it’s not about chasing the word count – it’s about the mood. The setting and the season. I don’t want to finish on Day 5, because I’ve got traditions to keep up!

And still. This year has been very different.
I haven’t written from dusk till dawn, I haven’t had more than a couple of cans of energy drinks and three donuts so far. I haven’t finished any of my three pringles cans. There is no playlist – at least not beyond two or three songs, but most of this novel has been written in silence.
Everything is different. I thought this year would be more nervous and stressful than anything else, and instead, I found freedom in these 8 days, like I probably knew I would. Because writing is what keeps me sane.
I think I needed this break from studying, even though I feel like every day I don’t study while the exams draw closer, I am wasting time.
And yet I’m not. I haven’t been this calm in over a month.
This is what I’m supposed to be doing. This is what November is all about.
So be it then, that the story so far is awful.

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Drabble; “Snap”

Hey guys, it’s been a while! As usual I should say.

Well, for those who follow me on Tumblr, you might know that I recently bought a new laptop after my loyal old one decided to retire itself. It was a bit emotional, considering I wrote two novels on that thing, but it was necessary, and now I’m the proud owner of a shiny new toy! The point of this rant was that well, it takes some time to get used to a new laptop and a new keyboard, so I asked on Tumblr if anyone had any prompts for me.

I had an Anon request some MaAki fluff, and after procrastinating a little, I jotted down something last night. I hope you’ll enjoy it Anon ♡
Feel free to let me know what you think~
Wordcount: 521

Snap

Click, snap!
Aki stirred, turning his head towards the sound, attempting to fend off the overwhelming tiredness as he cracked his eyes open and tried to focus on the form sitting above him.
Maaya was nothing but a blurry silhouette blocking the lamplight, he clenched his eyes shut again and yawned.
“What are you doing?” he ground out in a hoarse, sleepy voice.
The room was already too hot, despite the whirr of the air-conditioning. It was far too early. It didn’t matter what day it was. It was summer vacation, and way too early to be up after having been awake way too long the night before.
The room felt even hotter. His lip twitched weakly, before the smile dissolved into another yawn.
“Are you gonna sleep all day?” Maaya’s soft voice traveled down towards him as he leaned closer. Strands of pink came to brush against Aki’s cheek, and the tip of his nose.
“Problem?”
“Not at all…” warm breath ghosted over his cheeks, right before warm lips rested on his temple and fingers found his hair, running through the wiry, ebony mess in a loving motion. “I could watch you sleep all day.”
“I could sleep all day,” Aki muttered in response, his lip curving upwards. His mouth felt dry. Opening one eye halfway, he peered over at his boyfriend. “What are you doing with your phone?”
“Like I said, I could watch you sleep all d-”
“Did you take my picture just now?”
His eyelids, which had felt so heavy up until that point, flew open.
“Maybe.” Maaya smirked, tilting his head to the side.
“What do you mean maybe?” Aki’s hand grabbed the elder boy’s wrist.
“You’re just so adorable when you’re asleep,” the boy’s grin widened, “So innocent and-”
“Shut up! Delete it!”
“Not on your life.”
Ignoring the dazzling smile, Aki tightened his grip around Maaya’s slim wrist, squeezing it hard, pulling him closer. “Yes, you will.”
“Never,” Maaya lowered himself on top of him, pinning him down with the weight of his body. He rested his forehead on Aki’s, touched his lips to the tip of his nose, and finally rolled over on his side, landing next to him on the mattress. Aki’s hand was still clasping his wrist, but since Maaya now lay on his free arm, he had no way of getting to the phone holding the embarrassing photo.
“I’m gonna use it as my background photo,” the elder of the two teased, prodding him in the side with his elbow.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
Their eyes met. The covers rustled. Maaya’s lip quirked, he laughed softly, stroking his fingertips along the younger boy’s cheek. Such a gentle touch, like the first spring breeze.
Lips that found his own, catching them in light, loving kisses.
“Then at least take a new one…” Aki finally murmured, pulling away slightly.
They lay side by side, cramped on the bed that was really only meant for one person, their faces only a slight inch apart.

Click, snap!

Their lips met again, followed by a clattering sound as the cell phone was dropped to the floor.

 

Victory!

Well! I actually wrote a couple of drafts before the start of NaNo, thinking I’d be clever and still keep the blog up and running while writing, but in between writing, schoolwork, and a little thing called sleep, there wasn’t really any time. On top of that, the proof copy of Jaded arrived in the mail last Friday, so I had to proof it for errors, and hopefully I succeeded better than I did with the first round of SNOW. Altogether, the process took most of the weekend, and me, annoyed with myself for having “slacked off” (even though I was working) for two days, and ended up writing almost 9000 words on Sunday. About 5000 of those were written between Saturday night and Sunday morning. I went to bed at six am, having hit 50k at five sharp.

Of course being full of caffeine and adrenaline, I don’t think I fell asleep until closer to seven, and then I was forcibly wakened by my phone at ten. Well, in any case, I’ve hit the 50k for this November, and although my goal is actually to finish this script by December 1st, we’ll see howthat goes.
The story I’m writing now is much simpler than Jaded, and I have a very goodrelationship to put it that way, with the main character, os it’s a much easier story than Jaded, which is fairly liberating. But also weird.
My biggest problem is that that 50 000 word mark is like a carrot, and once I’ve obtained it my determination kinda burns out. That was the case with both SNOW and Jaded, which were left hanging at about 56k for a year each, before I continued. This time, I’d like to do it all in one push, so to speak.
Wish me luck!


Luckily, Sanza is always ready to “help” with the script.

I also went to the city on Saturday to demonstrate against the fur trade in Norway. Honestly, I was disappointed by tehe crowd that had assembled; an estimated 250-300 people. I’m so glad that people get involved, but in this kind of relatively big city, there should be more people speakng up against this kind of organized animal cruelty.
However, it was amazing to see all the torches and hearing the crowd scream at the top of their lungs that they wanted this cruelty to stop.
Hopefully this will be the last time we need to do this; it’s time that they put an end to this.

Aand, while I was in the city to begin with, we stopped by Outland to make some arrangements.
I’m bursting with excitement, and plans, but I guess I’ll have to keep quiet for a while longer.
What I can say is that I really wanted to get Jaded out before the end of November, but that the release date is in limbo, courtesy of the printer’s and shipping time. So until I know when the orders will be delivered, I can’t say anything. However, things are definitely happening,and I sincerely hope that the wait will be over soon. I’m also going to work on the possibilites for pre-orders, but we’ll see what will come out of that.
In any case, I hope you all keep your eyes peeled! Things are going to happen really quickly from now on.

I’ll keep writing now, fueledy by my top 3: Caffeine, Pringles and Donuts!

Have a good Tuesday everyone.

A love letter

Every year, I take part in the beautiful adventure that is NaNoWriMo.
I never quite know where it will take me, who I will encounter, or how they are going to behave.  As August turns into September, and the leaves turn yellow, my anticipation begins to grow. My body starts preparing, my mind starts plotting – without authorization. Ironically, it’s usually at this point I am at my most creative, but I can’t start writing yet. So I keep it safely locked up, ready to unleash it at the start of November.

I remember my first NaNo, 5 years ago. I’d heard about it before, and thought about joining in 2006, but forgot it. When I made my account in 2007, I panicked. A friend and her friend, who was visiting from Hong Kong and hadn’t met me yet, came over as I was running around the apartment screaming my head off. I believe it was something along the lines of “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING. WHY!” Some impression I must’ve made on her poor friend. Although, she did come back later, so I guess I didn’t frighten her all that much in the end. I was utterly panicked at the thought of actually doing something like this, because while I do have immense willpower, rarely back out of a challenge and work well under pressure. I am also, like so many other NaNo’ers a champion procrastinator.
Procrastination should be an Olympic sport – although the event would understandably never get around to starting. We’d all be winners though.

And that was what I was to discover with NaNoWriMo as well. We are winners. Even when we don’t win. Even if we don’t finish our novels. Even if we give up. Because we’ve challenged ourselves, or minds and sanity, to try and do something that very few ever attempt; write a novel. Moreover, to write one in 30 days.

In my case, it was a golden opportunity to write the story I had wanted to start for the past two years. I went to a writer’s meet-up, where there was only three of us (plus my driver, who had coffee at our side as we cried out our misery across the table in the coffee shop). I’d started writing earlier in the day, but my laptop was on the verge of death, so I didn’t bring it to the meeting. I didn’t write anything that day, just a few notes on character traits and personalities. But it was a good meeting, and I still keep in touch with one of the girls.  I believe the first snow fell on that 1st of November. I was certain I’d never actually finish the novel, not in thirty days. And I didn’t. I did hit 50k though, on day 19, which has been my curse since as I keep trying to beat my own records. Meaning I’ll have to get down to day 8….. Not sure what I think of that.
In any case, the novel was finished almost two years later. And published. It was a mess. But it was a mess that has been loved by all these people, and that’s…amazing.

Every November I partake in this amazing challenge that is NaNoWriMo. It’s frightening, frustrating, insane, stressful and absolutely amazing. It’s through NaNoWriMo that I have been able to write SNOW and Jaded.
And although I’m panicking, because I have so many things on my plate right at the get-go this year, I will start writing as soon as I get home on Thursday. I will throw myself at this new story with all I’ve got, and surf on the wave of creativity and caffeine, before completely collapsing in December, presumably not touching the non-finished product for a while afterwards. NaNoReMo is….not my strongest feat. But I’ll get there. And then I’ll think back on the process past; the chaos, the kick, the caffeine rush, the sugar crashes, the lack of sleep and of course the following confusion, forgetting to turn off the stove, forgetting to eat…

It truly is a beautiful experience.

As we speak, I’m exhilarated and anxious to get started. I hope my Winner’s tee will arrive before Thursday, so I can motivate myself even further.  And then I just want to thank NaNoWriMo for existing, and providing me with this experience year after year.  Thank you!
I urge every participant to show their gratitude by giving back in forms of a donation – the office of Letters and Light depend on donations to bring us this adventure every November. You even get a pretty little halo over your avatar! And a real nice and fuzzy feeling inside!

If my words aren’t convincing enough, then good luck resisting Tim Kim!

 

Good luck everyone!

Fly away now~

The past two days have been spent indulging myself. Putting away all scholastic material and stress factors, Friday was productive in its own way with dinner, two movies and a concert DVD with beautiful people. And then yesterday I geeked out with three of my closest friends. It’s been ages since this particular group gathered, so as expected it was full of crazy and food.
Seriously, I’m dead. Today’s one of the guys’ birthday, so naturally we had even more snacks, adn I defied the odds and made instant muffins! Ohoho~

As is customary when we have nights like this, one of them stayed until six am, at which point we’d rambled and geeked about anything and everything, to the point where we touched upon ghost stories, and my overly tired self started getting paranoid.
Haha~

Although we just watched PSWG, it ended up taking a long time getting through the 13 eps, namely due to random breaks to scream and shout about other things. My throat is so sore today, it’s crazy.
Also, I have caffeine abstinences, I hurt everywhere, and I think I might’ve chipped a tooth.
Guuuh. How will I ever get up for school tomorrow?Aaah, my hours are completely messed up again.

Aside from that, yesterday was productively spent typing away on various excerpts. As my dear friend really loves Keiichi, I’ve been dusting him off. He feels strange to me, as I haven’t written him since 2008 or something. And I somehwat feel bad for throwing him under the bus the way I’ve done. So it’s actually kinda nice to explore his character again, even if nobody ever gets to see these drabbles.

Meanwhile I got awesome news from my editor yesterday! I think you guys can really start looking forward to things now! It’s all coming together more or less the way I wanted, and after next weekend, I’ll probably be getting ready to talk about release dates.
I am SO excited! Of course, nobody ever reads these entries, so talking about it here is pointless. On the other hand, maybe that’s why; I can get it out, without spreading news I should keep quiet about? Ahaha~
…I think my brain is still ruined from last night.

Well. I regret nothing. And now I need to clean up our mess.
Have a good Sunday everyone!

For my sleepless readers

In Japan, there’s a myth that if you can’t sleep, it means you’re awake in someone else’s dream. Last night, my mind decided to play out a scenario for me that I found very sweet. Typically, I wasn’t able to put it into words as well as I wanted, and it hasn’t been properly edited, because sometimes, the raw format is fitting.
This is code for me being lazy

Anyway, I hope that those of you who are still up, and reading this, might enjoy this short piece.

一人で眠れない

The sharp shrill of a cell phone tore through the room. Maaya groaned, turning over on his side, fumbling in the dark for the device that had tore him from his sleep. The bright, fluorescent green light partially blinded him as he picked up the phone. He clutched it, picking up without looking at the display first.
“…llo?” he croaked, his voice giving out.
Were you sleeping?” it was Aki’s soft voice on the other end.
Propping himself up on his elbow, strangling a yawn, Maaya replied; “Yeah, as is customary at this time of night.”
He blinked a couple of times, noting how his eyes were sort of sticking together from sleep. “What’s up? Can’t sleep?”
Nope,” Aki replied.
“So you decided to wake me up?”
A soft laughter came through the other end. Maaya had to smile. “Sadist.”
I’m not allowed to miss you?”
“You’re such a sweet talker,” Maaya smiled into the microphone, turning over on his back, “Say it again?”
Don’t get all embarrassing on me,” came the snarky reply.
“Why else would you be calling in the middle of the night?” he knew that he was leading the younger, but the haze in his mind was clearing up, making room for a growing amusement.
Phonesex?”
“Dream on,” Maaya laughed quietly, “Hands above the covers, Sakurai.”
I can’t help it, “ Aki murmured through the phone, “You sound so sexy like this; your voice all hoarse with sleep..”
Maaya stifled a laugh, not wanting to indulge him.
“Speaking of dreams,” he changed the subject, turning over on his other side, towards the wall. “Did you know that not being able to sleep indicates someone else is dreaming about you?”
Aki chuckled. “So you’re to blame.”
Maaya could hear his covers rustling through the phone, and smiled, picturing Aki in that messy room of his, wrapped up in his duvet, his hair a tangled mess.
You dream of me?”
Maaya clutched the phone harder, nodding, “Every night you’re not with me.”
Then,” Aki’s voice dropped slightly, “Let’s sleep together.”
“Okay,” Maaya whispered, placing the phone on his pillow, switching on the speaker button. He lay in the dark, just as Aki did in his own room, in the house in Aoyama; the two of them quietly whispering into their phones, until their speech grew slurred and their voices sleepy, falling asleep to the sound of the others’ breathing.

~~
Feel free to comment! *hinthint*

The difficult balance

I’m well into what I believe is the 5th round of editing. At this point I’m close to losing my mind. I spent most of yesterday working through the same chapter (and procrastinating, because I had NO idea what to do with it). It’s another one of those situations where I’m unhappy with it, without knowing what’s actually wrong. It’s another one of the infamous situations where it’s my heart vs. my mind, and a really old, set in stone scene might have to go. It makes me horribly uncertain.

The scene in question, is a sex scene. This complicates the matters further.
Why?
Like I said. SNOW is Maaya. Jaded is Aki.
SNOW was composed, mature and contained.
Jaded is wild, playful, obnoxious and fickle.
I need to let go of the mindset from SNOW, in order to see Jaded for what it really is – or should be.
Usually this isn’t a problem. The problem is only encountered when I think about how SNOW was written as an attempt to cross the borders between mainstream(ish) fiction and yaoi.
In that sense, Jaded is more shallow.
In that sense, I become doubtful. This scene doesn’t fit with the image I made for SNOW. But it’s a different story. Moreover, considering the genre, it’s entirely acceptable and appropriate.
If I asked the readers, I’m quite sure what the majority of them would think. And the part of me who is a fujiyoshi of dimensions feels the exact same way. The critical author however….

So now I’ve called on a friend. Who in many ways knows the most about these characters. I’m gonna go throw my problems over on her, and if she can’t help me I’ll be in despair~

Apart from this wretched chapter…I’m having a really good time rereading and tweaking. And I really hope you’ll continue to stick with me and wait for the finished product.

Haha, based on this, maybe I’m overthinking things.

Unedited

Today’s Bloomsday. James Joyce’s “Ulysses” takes place on June 16th 1904, which was also the date he met his wife. I’ve never read Joyce’s work, although it’s on my to-do list for this summer. However, I have tried my hands on stream of consciousness writing, but I’m by no means good at it. I love grammar too much. This however, will be no attempt at stream of consciousness, but rather an uncut, unedited scene from my mind. Somehow, it’s at least a little fitting.

「夏」

The sun was blazing, wind chimes in the upstairs window barely making any sound as there was hardly a trace of wind.
The flowers in the front yard, as well as the ones in the back yard, were glistening with water from the garden hose.
The two teenage boys sitting on the veranda out back were the same way; fully dressed, but drenched from top to toe after cooling down. Both of them had a popsicle in one hand, trying to finish it off before it melted, whilst the sun dried their clothes at record speed.

However, they were both content. It was only the two of them at home. With the exception of a dog barking, and the loud buzzing of insects, the neighborhood was refreshingly calm. It had been a while since the two of them had been alone together.  The older of the two, Maaya stretched his arms towards the sapphire sky, leaning back, staring up at the sky, chewing on the popsicle stick. The effect was less than temporary; he was already feeling way too hot again.
“Take mine,” Aki offered, handing him the half-eaten popsicle in his hand, “It’s too sweet anyway.”
Maaya smiled, taking it from him, noting that Aki’s hand was already sticky from the partially melted popsicle.
The younger shuddered, despite the ridiculous heat. “How can you even eat two of those?”
He was overheard. A bird chirped in the tree at the far end of the yard. One of the family’s three cats was looking up at it, as if waiting for it to come down -she was too lazy to try to climb in this heat.
He was pulled out of his own thoughts at the sensation of Aki’s hand brushing against his bare arm. He smiled without turning to look at him. The hand went up to touch his hair; casually running slim fingers through the pale tresses, which were swaying ever so slightly in the hardly existant wind.
“What is it?” he asked softly.
“Nothing. I’m happy.” came the reply.
He smiled again, turning his dark eyes to look at the boy; “Yeah. Me too.”

~ End

Faux

I remember the summer of 2007. It was about a year since I moved into my apartment. For some reason, sleep wasn’t very tempting during this time. Or maybe it was just an extension of my Friday morning ritual, where I’d get up at five am to catch my weekly dose of Naruto, as soon as the episode and chapter were released.

In any case, the summer of 2007 stands in my memory as this; endless, long mornings on the couch, with the sounds of birds chirping outside, and the Kare kano soundtrack playing quietly in the livingroom. The front door would be wide open, and orange light flowed in as the sun rose in the distance. By 8.am it was already hot outside.
I remember spending these hours in the exact same way, every morning; writing countless drabbles and short stories, while talking to people and nerding about fandoms in between.

Evenings were just as warm, just as mellow. That particular summer, they were spent playing Metal Gear solid.

Ever since, (and who can believe it’s been years since those days?) this has been my picture perfect June. I think 2008 was actually very similar to 2007 in the sense that I didn’t have to make much of an effort to copy it. The following years…I’m not sure what happened, and why they changed.

Today, I feel the intense need to experience this again.To go through my ritual, and just sit up, not tired at all even though I’ve hardly slept, and being just perfectly content with the way things are. Feeling creativity flowing through me, while the day seems to be never ending. (again, the lack of sleep)

Alas, today is June 12th, it’s freezing outside. It actually snowed on the 1st of June. And although we’ve had some hot days in between, those are a rarity..
In minutes I need to get dressed, so I can drag myself to school. My head feels heavy, and the nerves are high strung. Today we’ll know if we were drafted for oral exams.
If we are….Well, my brain has already gone on vacation.
If we escape, regardless of the weather, June 2012 will be spent doing what I love the most.

Come rain or shine, June shall be mine again.

What I want

I don’t want to use words that are illegible and impossible to understand for the average reader.
I don’t want to impress with my extensive vocabulary, praised for my brilliance when it comes to jotting down sentences that nobody understands.
I don’t want to parttake in the elitism that literature sometimes is consumed by.
I have no urge to make my readers feel inferior, to make them feel stupid, just because they haven’t read the fifty authors casually mentioned. You shouldn’t necessarily have to have read everything in order to read something else.
Who said literature only has to exist for the sake of literature? What about pleasure? What about leisure? Isn’t it entirely possible to combine the absolute delight of slipping into a comfy chair and enjoying a novel with some snacks, a cup of tea or in my case, a can of my favorite energy drink? When did it become a matter of “Omg, you haven’t read so and so?!” or “Kiosk-literature, woah, you must be dumb.”

Personally, I don’t understand poetry. I don’t write poetry. I have a fascination and amusement towards Dadaism – to a certain extent. I absolutely love limericks, and as far as grade school went, I was pretty god at writing them as well. But I have no interest in incorporating them into my own writing, neither do I feel any desire to read most poetry. It doesn’t mean I’m uncultured or stupid, it’s just the way I roll.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of fantasy. I read it, the way I read all literature; I consume it and enjoy it, and maybe I’ll even love it (Harry Potter, the Black Magician’s Trilogy, Redwall, Good Omens), but I don’t read it much, and certainly not exclusively. I’m not very picky about my reads either. I rarely come across books I don’t like – but to be fair, I rarely pick up books that sound uninteresting, or that don’t appeal to my interests. People keep telling me to read Game of Thrones – I’m sure I’ll like it, I’m sure it’s great, but a part of me also knows that it’s not entirely down my alley. Plus, when people tell me I must do something, the anarchist in me refuses and I rarely get around to it. But to be fair; I have thought of it, and I definitely want to read GoT before watching the series.
I’ve been plowing through classics from the Realistic period of the 1800s, partially because of school, but mostly because I wanted to get to know all these authors and novels we’re always told about but hardly ever read. I enjoy them greatly – while some are a little more difficult to get through. Does this make me an intellectual?
Possibly.
However, I also enjoy lazing off on long Saturday afternoons with so-called “soap operas” in paperback; kiosk-literature that goes on for volumes and volumes, spanning over generations and centuries; pointless rambles, useless plots, bad romance (oh lala) and not very good writing for the most part. Does that make me an idiot?
No.

Point is, I read whatever I happen to have at hand, and for the most part I find some sort of enjoyment in it.

When it comes to my own writing, I know that it’s somewhat restricting itself to a certain audience. People tell me; “You need to write other genres, you’ll never make it like this.”
Make what? As far as I’m concerned, I have made it. I’m happy. I don’t make much money, but I’ve put my mark – no matter how small, on the bookshelf of the world. I’ve written something that’s meant something to someone. It’s meant something to me.

I want to write BoyLove in the sense that it is; with all it’s silly drama, it’s clichés (well, some of them) and with it’s slapstick humor. I want to write silly discussions between best friends, and tingling, flirtatious moments.
I want to write about sexual tension. I want to write hot, steamy sex scenes, without being judged; “this is porn”, “sounds like something out of a fan fiction”.
I want to write tactful eroticism, or raw desire.

At the same time, I want to write something that touches people’s feelings, that one can relate to.
I want to take the bittersweet BL and push it to a new, more realistic dimension; mix a bit of critique towards society in there and stir it up.
I want to write reality – in a fictional form.
I love those little parts in novels or media where someone makes a pop cultural reference; it always brings a smile to my lips. So I want that as well, for my readers to experience that little jolt of surprise when one of their favorite things is unexpectedly mentioned by a character.
I want to be able to tell a story that has enough depth to make you think and feel, while at the same time allow you to relax, fall into the story and enjoy it for what it is.

Maybe the language isn’t complicated. Maybe it’s not a best-seller. It’s not Fantasy.
In one sense it’s not mainstream, but in another sense it’s not entirely BL either.

I think the moral of the story is; don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Or you know…lack of elitism.

[This post was brought to you by an author who’s currently working on a project that it’s impossible to understand. Incidentally about poetry and the likes]